convenience, connection and communication

if you happen to see that i've not quite formatted this entry to resemble my previous posts, it is because i am posting this from the eBlogger gadget on my iGoogle homepage.

realizing that i hadn't checked iGoogle in a while, i realized i had to update the gadgets on my page.. within seconds (literally!) i had facebook and twitter gadgets added and moved around to be located on a prominent section of my page.

what does this tell me?

1. i love the ease and convenience of havin all my networking tools swing into action right before my eyes the minute i get online
2. i like networking, or at least somehow keeping in touch with everyone i know (however impossible a feat it may seem every once in a while)
3. i like being able to blog whenever i want to, update my Twitter and Facebook statuses to let people know exactly what i'm thinking when i'm thinkin it - if they are interested enough to tune into my channels of communication
4. wow - did i suddenly get 'spare time' on my hands to explore and wander around on iGoogle - amidst my crazily busy life?!

issue # 1

i have issues.

i've realized that i have more issues than i thought i did. so somewhere over the life of this blog, i'm going to address those that i stumble upon.. more specifically, what i'm working on..

currently, i'm dealing with issue#1 unhealthy dependency. i realized that i'm unhealthily dependent on my family - particularly, my parents. not that i have no life outside of home, but i LOVE being around them; spending time with them helps me learn more about myself and why i do/feel what i do/feel. it makes me happy and makes them even more happy - a win-win situation.

so why is it a issue then? there are two aspects to this (a) the unhealthy aspect and (b) the dependency aspect.. i feel i can't move on if i didn't have either of them in my life, the thought paralyzes me, i want to love on them so much that anything short of an entire lifetime of doing it seems like wasted time. my Mom says that i will move on when the time is right, she says that God prepares us for such things.. i'm thinkin 'really??' the thought of separation from them scares the heck out of me - it would rank #1 on my list of fears.. these kind of thoughts keep me awake at night sometimes, or bring tears to my eyes on a perfectly, otherwise-blissful weekend afternoon..

if all i've done all month is work, and music, then i still seem to turn down offers to hang out with friends (yes, me!) just so i can get an evening of doin nothing but talking and laughing with them..

is it wrong that i'm so severely attached to them?! i'm led to ask God to allow Him to come in between my parents and i, so i can feel the same intensity of love for Him (yes i do, in theory: but i don't know if i do as much practically) and He can have them depend on Him more than they depend on me (they actually do depend on Him a LOT more than they depend on me)

sigh. i love them with ALL my life.