issue # 1

i have issues.

i've realized that i have more issues than i thought i did. so somewhere over the life of this blog, i'm going to address those that i stumble upon.. more specifically, what i'm working on..

currently, i'm dealing with issue#1 unhealthy dependency. i realized that i'm unhealthily dependent on my family - particularly, my parents. not that i have no life outside of home, but i LOVE being around them; spending time with them helps me learn more about myself and why i do/feel what i do/feel. it makes me happy and makes them even more happy - a win-win situation.

so why is it a issue then? there are two aspects to this (a) the unhealthy aspect and (b) the dependency aspect.. i feel i can't move on if i didn't have either of them in my life, the thought paralyzes me, i want to love on them so much that anything short of an entire lifetime of doing it seems like wasted time. my Mom says that i will move on when the time is right, she says that God prepares us for such things.. i'm thinkin 'really??' the thought of separation from them scares the heck out of me - it would rank #1 on my list of fears.. these kind of thoughts keep me awake at night sometimes, or bring tears to my eyes on a perfectly, otherwise-blissful weekend afternoon..

if all i've done all month is work, and music, then i still seem to turn down offers to hang out with friends (yes, me!) just so i can get an evening of doin nothing but talking and laughing with them..

is it wrong that i'm so severely attached to them?! i'm led to ask God to allow Him to come in between my parents and i, so i can feel the same intensity of love for Him (yes i do, in theory: but i don't know if i do as much practically) and He can have them depend on Him more than they depend on me (they actually do depend on Him a LOT more than they depend on me)

sigh. i love them with ALL my life.